Watching The Social Network with my Asian Mom…

Mom: Did they make the Yoo-Hoo?

Me: (pause) Uhhh… who?

Mom: The juice.

Me: What? (pause) First of all, it’s not juice, it’s chocolate milk… and secondly, who are you talking about? 

Mom: The Juice!!

Me: (long pause) Oh my god… the Jews?? 

Mom: Yes!

Me: Wow… ok, too far… and why would they make Yoo-Hoo??

Mom: Because everybody use the Yoo-Hoo on the internet. 

Me: (pause) Wait… YouTube?

Mom: Yes… sometimes I use too. 

Me: No, not You Too… YouTUBE! Where you watch the videos!

Mom: You mean the Hulu?? 

Me: (sigh) Oh my god… forget it. 

(long silence)

Mom: Oh sorry, I mean the Yahoo! 

Me: (sigh)

The Getaway Guide for Criminals in Action Films…

1. If you get hungry while you’re on the run, don’t ever go to the local diner… your face will show up on the news just as the pancakes arrive! 

2. Don’t ever worry about getting your phone call traced… no matter when you decide to hang up, the police will have always needed a few more seconds to get your exact location. 

3. When you’re running away from the police by foot, always smash into random people on the street and make sure you knock down a ton of fruit stands… yes, it’ll slow you down but who knows when you’ll get another chance to do that (plus maybe a cop will slip on a banana peel). 

4. Make sure you always have a credit card on you… you’ll need it in order to break into ALL houses and buildings. 

5. Always shoot the good guy in the head… he’ll always have something metal in his left breast pocket. 

Celebrity Math…

Watching Family Feud with my Asian Mom…

Mom: EXERCISE!!!! 

Me: Calm down… “Work Out/Lose Weight” is already up there as the number one answer. 

Mom: How come they always change the hoes?

Me: You mean the host? I have no idea. 

Mom: I don’t like the Montell William… he need to lose weight for the new years resurrection. 

Me: (sigh) That’s not Montell Williams, it’s Steve Harv… (pause) nevermind. Yeah you’re right… he did get a little chubby. 

Mom: SEE!! 

(long silence)

Mom: EXERCISE!!  

Me: (sigh)

How to Tell Asian Girls Apart…

IN SIMPLE TERMS: 

Korean Girls: Sponge Bob Square Face

Chinese Girls: Dora the Explorer meets Mulan

Japanese Girls: David Bowie and Bjork make a baby

Useless Acts of Kindness…

1. Replacing all the light bulbs at a blind man’s house.

2. Offering to play a game of Twister with someone who is color blind.

3. Giving a black person a gift card to a tanning salon. 

4. Bringing a house warming gift to a homeless person. 

5. A person with AIDS offering their body to a vampire. 

If Santa Claus Were Asian…

1. He’d fire all the elves working at the North Pole, then outsource all the jobs to Indonesia where little children can do the same job for half the price. 

2. He’d consider you as being naughty if your GPA was lower than 4.0 (and don’t even get him started if you missed a day of practicing your cello). 

3. He’d prefer fat free milk with his cookies… not because he’s fat, but because most Asians are lactose intolerant (I’d leave a Lactaid just to be safe). 

4. He wouldn’t need Rudolph because his face would already be glowing red from that shot of Sake. 

5. He’ll only say “Ho Ho Ho” if you ask him to say his real last name 3 times. 

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! 

Watching Salt with my Asian Mom…

(Mom walks into the living room spraying air freshener)

Mom: Did you farting again? 

Me: It’s these boiled eggs. 

(continues to spray)

Mom: You sure??

Me: YES!!

Mom: Whatever. (pause) Is that… an injury jolly?

Me: (pause) Yes, that’s Angelina Jolie. 

Mom: What moobie is this?

Me: (sigh) Salt! 

Mom: You go get it! 

Me: (sigh) No, the movie is called Salt.

Mom: (pause) Ok lazy boy… I go get it for you, ok? 

Me: (deep sigh) 

Celebrity Math…

Things you Shouldn’t Do at a Funeral…

1. Laugh. 

2. Say “Hold on, I think I just lost my contact lens,” just as the coffin is about to be closed. 

3. Play Fruit Ninja, with the sound on. 

4. Ask the widow if the will could be read first because you’d like to beat the traffic. 

5. Use your iPhone to blog about things you shouldn’t do at a funeral.