July 2011
3 posts
5 tags
Watching Tv with my Asian Mom: Watching Unknown... →
watchingtvwithmyasianmom:
Mom: What’s this moobie called?
Me: Unknown.
Mom: Then check the rotten potato.
Me: What? No. The title of this movie is called, UNKNOWN.
Mom: Oh, I see. (pause) Did you get the sauce cold?
Me: What??
Mom: The sauce cold… with the broken mountain boy.
Me: (pause) Oh, you mean the Source Code?
Mom: That’s what I say dummy!
Me: Really?!? (sigh) Just out...
2 tags
I'M ENGAGED!!!
Aside from the occasional “Asian Mom” posts, I’ve never really blogged too much about my personal life (or posted any pictures), so I thought I’d share some great news with everyone… I’m engaged!! The lovely lady in the picture is my girlfriend Jenny (we’ve been dating for over 3 years). I asked her to marry me on July 12, 2011.
For those who are...
4 tags
Watching Tv with my Asian Mom: Watching Just Go... →
watchingtvwithmyasianmom:
Mom: The Rachel Aniston still look a beautiful, no?
Me: I guess. I was never really a fan of Rachel, or Friends.
Mom: You like the freebie?
Me: Phoebe? No. But if I had to choose, I guess Monica.
Mom: Monica?
Me: Yeah you know, Courtney Cox?
Mom: Cocks?
Me: (quietly) Yep.
(Mom abruptly pauses the movie)
Mom: I need a cock.
Me: WHAT??
Mom: The black one.
...
June 2011
2 posts
Watching the NBA Finals with my Asian Mom...
watchingtvwithmyasianmom:
Mom: Who you want to win?
Me: I want Dirk to win.
Mom: You should say Africa American, ok?
Me: What? (pause) No, DIRK, not dark!
Mom: What??
Me: Dirk is that tall German guy on the Mavs!
Mom: (long pause) Ah! No Whiskey!
Me: Yes, Nowitzki.
NEW BLOG...
Hey Guys, I’m working on two new blogs! Here’s the first one:
http://www.watchingtvwithmyasianmom.com (a collection of all my conversations with my Asian Mom. I’ll also be posting NEW conversations once a week). Follow me!
Second blog coming soon! Thanks to those who are still following cheaperthanacupofjoe!
April 2011
1 post
5 tags
Watching American Idol with my Asian Mom...
Mom: Why everyone love the cochina so much?
Me: (pause) Who, JLO??
Mom: What? No, the music festival show.
Me: Oh, you mean Coachella?
Mom: The peanut butter??
Me: No, that’s Nutella.
Mom: (pause) I confuse.
Me: It’s ok.
(silence)
Mom: I’m hungry now.
Me: Me too.
Mom: I buy, you fly.
Me: (chuckle) Where did you learn to say that??
Mom: I Bang your Mother.
Me:...
February 2011
2 posts
1 tag
Play Angry Birds at Home... like Literally!
Photo by Jason Lee (Angry Birds played by his two daughters)…
2 tags
Watching Toy Story 3 with my Asian Mom...
Mom: Did the pizza make this?
Me: (pause) Yes, Pixar made this.
Mom: They should at least make a sex Toy Story, you know?
Me: WHAT??
Mom: Is the 3 the last one? They need to make a three more, be a rich!
Me: (chuckle) Oh, make 6? Yeah… this is the last one.
Mom: Oh, too bad.
Me: Yeah, I guess.
(long silence)
Mom: The disrespecting me is no good.
Me: (pause) Umm… ok, I...
January 2011
6 posts
Very Specific Bathroom Sign...
A diagram for those who can’t read, and enjoy cross-dressing??
1 tag
Things That Only Asian Girls Like To Do...
1. Throw the peace sign over their eye when taking pictures… why??
2. Make (or buy) double eye lids.
3. Wear scarves in the summer.
4. Wear black rather than work out.
5. Hate on things that they actually really like (Ex. their bangs, Forever 21, MSG, their crooked teeth, ugly guys with money, etc.).
2 tags
Watching The Social Network with my Asian Mom...
Mom: Did they make the Yoo-Hoo?
Me: (pause) Uhhh… who?
Mom: The juice.
Me: What? (pause) First of all, it’s not juice, it’s chocolate milk… and secondly, who are you talking about?
Mom: The Juice!!
Me: (long pause) Oh my god… the Jews??
Mom: Yes!
Me: Wow… ok, too far… and why would they make Yoo-Hoo??
Mom: Because everybody use the Yoo-Hoo on...
The Getaway Guide for Criminals in Action Films...
1. If you get hungry while you’re on the run, don’t ever go to the local diner… your face will show up on the news just as the pancakes arrive!
2. Don’t ever worry about getting your phone call traced… no matter when you decide to hang up, the police will have always needed a few more seconds to get your exact location.
3. When you’re running away from the...
3 tags
Celebrity Math...
2 tags
Watching Family Feud with my Asian Mom...
Mom: EXERCISE!!!!
Me: Calm down… “Work Out/Lose Weight” is already up there as the number one answer.
Mom: How come they always change the hoes?
Me: You mean the host? I have no idea.
Mom: I don’t like the Montell William… he need to lose weight for the new years resurrection.
Me: (sigh) That’s not Montell Williams, it’s Steve Harv…...
December 2010
13 posts
1 tag
How to Tell Asian Girls Apart...
IN SIMPLE TERMS:
Korean Girls: Sponge Bob Square Face
Chinese Girls: Dora the Explorer meets Mulan
Japanese Girls: David Bowie and Bjork make a baby
Useless Acts of Kindness...
1. Replacing all the light bulbs at a blind man’s house.
2. Offering to play a game of Twister with someone who is color blind.
3. Giving a black person a gift card to a tanning salon.
4. Bringing a house warming gift to a homeless person.
5. A person with AIDS offering their body to a vampire.
1 tag
If Santa Claus Were Asian...
1. He’d fire all the elves working at the North Pole, then outsource all the jobs to Indonesia where little children can do the same job for half the price.
2. He’d consider you as being naughty if your GPA was lower than 4.0 (and don’t even get him started if you missed a day of practicing your cello).
3. He’d prefer fat free milk with his cookies… not because...
3 tags
Watching Salt with my Asian Mom...
(Mom walks into the living room spraying air freshener)
Mom: Did you farting again?
Me: It’s these boiled eggs.
(continues to spray)
Mom: You sure??
Me: YES!!
Mom: Whatever. (pause) Is that… an injury jolly?
Me: (pause) Yes, that’s Angelina Jolie.
Mom: What moobie is this?
Me: (sigh) Salt!
Mom: You go get it!
Me: (sigh) No, the movie is called Salt.
Mom:...
4 tags
Celebrity Math...
Things you Shouldn't Do at a Funeral...
1. Laugh.
2. Say “Hold on, I think I just lost my contact lens,” just as the coffin is about to be closed.
3. Play Fruit Ninja, with the sound on.
4. Ask the widow if the will could be read first because you’d like to beat the traffic.
5. Use your iPhone to blog about things you shouldn’t do at a funeral.
The Bone(r) Collector...
Real Answer: Pennies (at least I hope).
2 tags
Watching Inception with my Asian Mom...
Mom: So he is sleeping in the mattress?
Me: What?? (pause) Who is?
Mom: Real.
Me: (pause) Leo?? Yes, he’s dreaming… but what do you mean by the mattress?
Mom: Not mattress… Mad Tricks!
Me: (long pause) MATRIX??
Mom: Ah yes, May Tricks… sorry.
Me: (sigh) This is not the Matrix.
Mom: Then?
Me: (hand Mom DVD case) Read this… what does it say?
Mom: Let me...
1 tag
Celebrity Hip Hop Puns...
I hear Nicki Minaj is buying a house next to Kim Kardashian! Yep… it’s in ass-grow right now!
I wonder how 50cent deals with all his haters? He must have a Handler.
I was at the Kanye concert, and man… how does that guy go through so many different suits?? I guess his tailor’s swift!
I heard P. Diddy got stung by an angry swarm of bees! Yeah, his face is all Puffy...
If I Were a Girl for One Day...
1. I’d punch myself in the boob just to see if it hurt as bad as getting kicked in the nuts.
2. I’d thoroughly massage my boob right after though… because it would be sore.
3. I’d finally buy that girls cardigan in XL that I really wanted from Forever 21, but was too embarrassed to buy as a guy.
4. I’d tell my close guy friend that though I appreciate him always...
4 tags
Celebrity Math...
3 tags
Watching The Kanye West Runaway Video with my...
Mom: Maybe they do not have the Thanksgiving turkey, so… they have to barbeque beautiful woman, who is the bird… and…
Me: Stop trying to figure it out… and why would they BBQ her??
Mom: Sack of fries.
Me: What?? (pause) Sacrifice?
Mom: Yes.
Me: (chuckle) Oh my god… why are you here anyway? I thought you were going to watch a movie downstairs?
Mom: The cartoon...
Water-Ramen...
There, happy mom??
November 2010
8 posts
The First Date: What She Really Means When She...
1. Should we get an appetizer?
What She Really Means: How much money do you make?
2. So why did you and your ex-girlfriend break up?
What She Really Means: Did you cheat on her?
3. I feel like such a pig, did you even get to have any of the garlic bread earlier?
What She Really Means: Do you think I’m fat? I might kiss you, how’s your breath?
4. I need to use the restroom,...
1 tag
Text Messaging with my Asian Mom...
Me: Think I’m getting sick.
Mom: You want the airplane?
Me: You mean airborne?
Mom: Whatever.
Me: Yes! Can you bring me some upstairs with water?
Mom: You come get! Busy!
Me: Doing what?
Mom: Tebow.
Me: What?? Tivo?
(no response)
Me: HELLO?!?!
Mom: BE QUIET!! Phone on vibreak now. See you.
4 tags
Questions I have for Certain Superheroes...
To Superman: Do you have a deal with Men’s Wearhouse… what happens to all those suits you leave in the phone booth?? Oh, and were you mad when Soulja Boy came out with that one song about you and that hoe? Just curious…
To Flash: Is it annoying that you’re always the one getting coffee, or having to make that last minute post office trip before they close??
To...
Fun at Mom's Expense...
Little Lion: ROAR!! You see the power of the claw!!
Little Kid: Ohhhh, I do… I do.
Little Lion: Now quick, hand me the sling shot (mom’s bra)!!
How to Fart in Public Without Getting Caught...
Scope out the Area - Crowded areas are always good in case you have to deflect the blame, but you must avoid areas with lots of women… cuz women don’t fart, remember?
Test Shoot - Just a soft squeeze to make sure your fart wasn’t playing in the mud earlier… the last thing you want is a Hersey Squirt.
Gone with the Wind - Wait for a nice gentle breeze before you...
1 tag
Things You Shouldn't Do in Church...
1. Ask for a chaser after taking a shot of the communion wine.
2. Complain that the communion bread is stale (or go for seconds because the portions are too small).
3. Get change from the offering basket (because on Sundays, a $5 bill is considered a large bill).
4. Do the “Dougie” (or even worse, the “Crip Walk”) when you catch the Holy Ghost.
5. Throw a beach...
2 tags
Watching the Karate Kid with my Asian Mom...
Mom: He look just like his father.
Me: I guess… Will Smith has bigger ears though.
Mom: Will Smith? No… Crease Talker.
Me: (pause) Chris Tucker?? This is not Rush Hour, it’s The Karate Kid.
Mom: They make another Karate Kick?
Me: Yep.
Mom: (pause) I bet the Will Smith get a big boners then.
Me: What??
Mom: Because his son is the star of moobie.
Me: (pause) You...
If I Were a Huge Giant...
I’d use a shovel as a spoon… two pole-vault poles as chopsticks, and a javelin as a tooth pick.
I’d trace my foot over a king size mattress, then cut it out and use it as insoles for my shoes.
I’d go on the Biggest Loser to find me a nice petite woman.
I’d switch over to the Droid because my iPhone would be way too light to carry around (I’d still have a...
October 2010
12 posts
4 tags
CappuChinos...
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!
A List of Backhanded Compliments...
You have a great body! Who’s your plastic surgeon?
I love those high waisted jeans, they completely cover up your lower back tattoo, John.
Don’t listen to what anyone says, I think fat girls are hot!
You drive so well… are both of your parents Asian?
I love how you did your makeup today! How’d you get rid of all your wrinkles?
Wow, you’re so articulate for a...
1 tag
How to be a Hipster: The Starter Kit...
Step 1: If you understand what your t-shirt says, take it off.
Step 2: You MUST own: a messenger bag, thick frame nerd glasses (prescription optional), v-neck t-shirts, and a mustache.
Step 3: DO NOT own: a TV, loose fitted jeans, and shampoo.
Step 4: Listen to obscure bands until they become mainstream.
Step 5: Grow everything you eat and smoke.
Step 6: Listen to NPR while sipping on...
Three Hours of my Day I'll Never get Back...
Spent an hour trying to replay the movie Speed in my head (scene by scene), just to see if I could kill 2 hours (I kept confusing myself by inserting scenes from The Lake House).
Spent an hour digging through all the trash cans in the house because I thought I accidently threw away Boardwalk while playing McDonald’s Monopoly. On a completely unrelated note, if somebody out there does...
Interesting Palindromes...
Examples:
Dammit, I’m mad!
Stressed? No tips? Spit on desserts.
Madam, in Eden I’m Adam.
Live not on evil.
Longest Single-Word Palindrome: solutomaattimittaamotulos (which means the result from a measurement laboratory for tomatoes).
Girls have Double Standards Too...
If a girl hits a guy when she’s mad, she must be really mad… but if a guy hits a girl when he’s mad, he’s a wife beater.
If a girl has a husky voice, it’s considered sexy… but if a guy has a high pitched voice, his balls must have been chopped off.
If a girl makes out with another girl when she’s drunk, she’s just having fun and being a tease… but if a...
1 tag
Watching Deal or No Deal with my Asian Mom...
Mom: 25!!!
Me: Ok, calm down.
(contestant picks suitcase #22… it’s $1)
Mom: Stupid!! I tell you 25!!
Me: Umm… you know she did a good job, right?
Mom: She got a $1… you think that is a good??
Me: I see… then why is she so happy??
Mom: (pause) Economy is a no good, dummy…
Me: I see.
Mom: Anyway, change channel!
Me: Why?
Mom: Tuna Half Man!
...
Things I've Learned from Watching Teen Mom...
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Jersey Shore is on next.
4 tags
If They Were Bald...
Pointless Inventions...
An ipod that can make phone calls.
Saliva flavored Chapstick (just like licking your lips).
Left-handed toothbrush.
Submarine windshield wiper.
Glow in the dark camouflage clothing.
Clear color paintballs.
A tampon that doubles as a pregnancy test.
Skinny socks.
Signs you Might have a little OCD in ya...
1. If you always choose plastic soda lids from the middle of the stack because you think most people touch the lids on top… but then you stress yourself out thinking that there has to be other people who think like you, so then you go with no lid at all.
2. If you get pissed when you put in $20.01 worth of gas.
3. If on a rainy day you turn your car off before you turn the wipers off,...
Homemade Fire Alarm...
Note: Make sure the popping slows to two to three seconds between pops before evacuating.
September 2010
17 posts
We Need Official Words for when...
A pebble gets stuck on the bottom of your shoe.
You can’t get the straw through the Capri Sun.
You write the word “cursive,” in cursive, or scribble the word “scribble.”
Two people walking towards each other try to get out of each others way, but keep moving over to the same side of the street.
You get that deformed Siamese twin Chicken McNugget, and it counts as two pieces.
INTERESTING...
5 tags
Celebrity Height and Weight Chart...
Lady Gaga - 5’1, 110 pounds
Heidi Montag - 5’2, 107 pounds
Leonardo Dicaprio - 5’11, 167 pounds
Erin Andrews -5’10, 139 pounds
Megan Fox - 5’6, 114 pounds
Kate Hudson - 5’6, 120 pounds
Beyonce Knowles - 5’5, 150 pounds
Ben Stiller - 5’6, 155 pounds
Johnny Depp - 5’10, 155 pounds
Rihanna - 5’8, 130 pounds
Zoe Saldana -...
If you were to close your eyes...
What would it feel like to grab a peeled banana inside the toilet?
What would it feel like to shake a guy’s hand drenched in egg yolk right after you heard him sneeze?
What would it feel like to get slapped in the face with a polish sausage inside the men’s locker room?
What would it feel like to massage a prune next to your naked grandpa?
